The Brownie
by DrazzelTiger
Summary: Just a short humorous fic about where Remus convinces Sirius to make brownies and their plan goes awry. Complete. Edited. NO ROMANCE!


_The Brownie: Moony and Padfoot's Creation_

_Disclaimer: Don't own anything to do with Harry Potter. Well, except for this story._

_Rating: G_

_Summary: Remus wants some chocolate so he convinces Sirius to help him make some brownies._

oooo0oooo

'Twas the night before classes

And all throughout Hogwarts

Not a creature was stirring

Not even the rat

Except for….

oooo0oooo

"This is the worst idea you've ever had! It's dangerous! We are going to get into so much trouble."

"You're the one who couldn't sleep because you needed chocolate."

"That was not the reason! Besides you were dying for chocolate too!" Remus huffed out, and then sighed in resignation. "So, where are we going?"

Sirius smirked evilly. "The Potion's Lab, of course. Where else would we go?"

"Maybe...the kitchen?"

"That wouldn't work; the house-elves would try to help us."

"That's a bad thing how…?" Moony shook his head. "Besides, according to the last vote, it was unanimous. I am the worst cook in Hogwarts."

Grinning, Padfoot added, "You even agreed yourself. Anyway, that doesn't matter. I'm going to cook and you'll fetch me the ingredients. And clean up."

At this point they'd reached the Potion's Lab and shed James' cloak of invisibility, not that it would have helped much with the boys talking the whole time. Sirius set to work pulling out some bowls and stirring some ingredients into them while Remus grumbled under his breath as he washed the dishes.

"No pouting, Moony, you're the one that can't cook and wanted chocolate." This earned Padfoot some slightly louder and more obscene grumbling with his name thrown in several more times. Sirius ignored him, instead whistling a jolly tune so he wouldn't have to listen to his companion.

After finishing the dishes, Remus set to work pulling out ingredients his friend might need. "Why is it that the toxins are mixed in with the edible food?"

"Maybe it's because the professor doesn't expect people to try and cook down here. I don't know. Could you hand me the flour?"

"Sure." Moony replied pulling down another container. "Imagine if the professor came through the door suddenly at midnight and saw us." The conversation continued in such a manner as the brownie mix was made and put into the oven. The two bantered back and forth while waiting for it to bake.

The thing comes out of the oven.

"It's alive! Alive!" Sirius spoke in a stage whisper and raised his arms overdramatically. Remus gave him a baffled look. "What? I always wanted to say that."

"Eww!" Moony wrinkled up his face. "Do yourself a favour and don't breathe through your nose."

Padfoot, curious as ever, sniffed anyway. He immediately snorted it out and tried to wave the smell away.

"I warned you. What do we do with it now?"

"Eat it, of course."

"Okay, you first."

Sirius looked repulsed. "No, you first."

"I think the chef should get the cough privilege. cough"

"You're the one who handed me the ingredients that were mixed in with the toxins." They came to an unspoken agreement to eat it at the same time. Both of them shoved their forks in and looked less than thrilled when the brownie crumbled away.

Simultaneously, they threw a bit in their mouths with their hands and promptly spat it back out. "Now what?" Remus asked.

Sirius grinned. "We destroy the evidence, the only way we know how." While the two boys ate, their mental health was plummeting.

At this point, James and Peter entered. James stopped suddenly upon seeing the scene and Peter ran into him. Remus was lying on the floor, laughing hysterically at some of the jokes Sirius had made about his creation.

Sirius, seeing his friends' entry, relaxed against a wall and calmly asked, "Would either of you like some 'brownies?'

In between helpless gasps of laughter, Remus managed to gasp out "It's a trap!"

Wormtail, still under the impression that Sirius' creation is, in fact, chocolate, began to nibble away.

Moony, holding a glass of milk to try to wash down the wretched taste in his mouth, snorts as Padfoot commented, "No Black has ever really been able to cook." Milk goes everywhere.

James then put everyone's thoughts into words. "You know, that sounds incredibly racist."

"I just meant my family." Sirius announced shrugging.

Remus who had finally been able to clean up the mess and control his laughter said, very seriously, "You've turned me off of chocolate... forever!"

Sirius, who had eaten large quantities of the junk, suggested, "You know, we could make a Marauder's pest control service."

oooo0oooo

Four sets of eyes peered over at Dumbledore.

James sat up a little straighter and proclaimed, "We have a business proposition for you."

Sirius added helpfully, "Do you have anybody you want killed?"

"cough thing cough." Remus hinted.

"I mean, any_thing_ you want killed?" Padfoot corrected himself. To this, Dumbledore was lacking words. He just stared at his usually mischievous students.

Desperate, Peter begged, "Please say yes!"

"Uh, there are some rats in the basement." The headmaster said slowly, hoping it was a safe way to expend Marauder energy.

"We'll take it!" James declared and the four students rushed out the door at once.

Dumbledore asked himself softly at the closed door, "What about payment?"

oooo0oooo

The Marauders were too busy racing to the basement, a pan of brownies between them, all of them plugging their noses, to care about payment.

James clarified to Peter, "Wormtail, if you happen to go into the basement later, don't eat the brownie."

"Like I could eat that!" Peter looked disgusted.

The Marauders hurried down the stairs, dumping a crumpled brown mass on the floor and raced back to their room.

oooo0oooo

A short while later, Filch was walking about carry a bag of dead rats and muttering something about Mrs. Norris being ill.

Dumbledore, upon seeing Filch, remarks on the efficient extermination service.

The Marauders also see Filch and decide to check on their creation. Upon finding it, Peter comments, "That looks vaguely familiar."

"Of course it does, you idiot, those are Padfoot's brownies." James said, rolling his eyes.

Sirius looked offended. "I don't know why I'm being exclusively blamed for this."

Peter ignored him and shook his head. "No, I mean, there aren't any bite marks or anything."

"He's right." Remus agreed. "So, how did all those rats die?"

"The smell alone must have killed them." Sirius nodded sagely.

Remus remarked, "A pleasant eulogy: Smelt brownie, keeled over dead."

oooo0oooo

The day passed and night time found the Marauders trying to get to sleep. Remus again couldn't find sleep because of his need for chocolate. He turned towards Padfoot, paused, and turns to James. "You want to make some brownies?"

oooo0oooo

This time, all of the Marauders went down to the Potion's Lab together and James was the one to make the brownies.

Sirius ended up being the taste tester. He popped some into his mouth, "Just like mom used to make." He said shuddering but continued eating. The rest of the Marauders abandoned their share of the brownies.

oooo0oooo

_A/N: Well, that could have been worse. I think. Ah, well, it's just for the humor._

_Hope you review. I do not intend to write a sequel of any sort for this one. _


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